KAYLA'S BLOG NO TOUCHY!

Confusion that I don't want

2006-12-03T10:24:00.000-08:00

I guess that I am not really confused or going through a rough time. I just like to say the things that I am not feeling in order to grab attention or better yet, sympathy. And I get mixed up in hurting people. Why Niles loves me, I have no idea. I can't even hold his hand or write something down without him feeling like it is his fault. And maybe I just should just shut up. And we do talk and I hate it when he says that we are going to end up like Sam and PK, because we aren't. I would never be that selfish, I need attention, but at the same time, I don't want it. I am confusing, and okay, he gets that I don't show my affection in the same ways as every one else, but still. What more con I do? I can't take this sometimes. We just don't talk and when we do, we don't talk about the right stuff. It is so hidden, and we just put it in our blogs. AND IT ISN"T HELPING!!!!! I can't gah!?!?! I am aso lost...
--Kayla

Poem

2006-12-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

I guess that now would be a good time to post this. I wrote this about a month or so before me and Niles were going out, and I haven't really touched it. And after reading it, it seems funny, because the first part is how I was feeling, but the rest is more of a non-mine situation, but now this poem is semi true.

I wish the walk was longer, so that I could stand by him.
But it's not.
I wish I could tell him how I felt about him.
But I don't.
And I wish that he thought I was perfect for him.
But he doesn't.
And I wish I thought he was perfect for me.
But I don't.
He only wants her.
But I don't want him to want her.
And I don't think he wants me.
But I don't want him to want me.
And I don't want him to feel my pain.
But he does want to feel my pain.
And I don't want him to love me.
But he does love me.
And I think that I love him.
And I do.
And what could be wrong with that.
Nothing.

How crazy, how crazy I am...

2006-12-02T19:33:00.000-08:00

I feel like urrrgh. I hate confusing people when I don't mean to. I hate the fact that I rebel, that I lie, that I feel the urge to do something and I don't do it. I just want to be someone else for a little. Not that I don't like the state that I am in, it is just that I wish that I could know things without hurting people, and I dunno... I know that everything will work out. And this isn't even how I feel. Because I am fine. Niles thinks that I am like 'eww get away from me' but nothing seems right. There is no timing that fits to hold his hand or to hug him. And when you try so hard, it just doesn't seem to come. And I have no idea what my sudden urges to pull away or to touch someone or say a word is. It just comes and he doesn't get it I think. I have different ways of showing affection, and that is me. I am akward and unpredictable. Which I hate sometimes, but love at others. And I want to stop writing but I can't Niles blog almost made me cry, and I don't think that it was out of sadness, or anger, or happiness. I just wanted to. I haven't cryed in so long. No song makes me cry, but some make me want but I guess that I am just not sensitive enough, you have to cut deep into me to get me to cry. And those avatars and trophy are something that made me happy. It is so simple, something that I adore. Like a rose. And that is it. Would make me happy. And that is just the most weirdest thing.... but really I am like my mom. And I am making no sense.
--Kayla

(Nothing was selected, nada, zip, zero)

2006-11-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

Yipededoo, I am so tired. I wonder why... Yea, I hate being a girl sometimes. And we had to go to the mall too. Grr. Non excing shopping and having to get stuff that is not very umm, yea. Just not going to say it. I have gotten back to listening to No Doubt and Gwen Stefani. Which is semi sad. For me at least, I thought I wouldn't go back into that phase. So sad. I have math to do. Lemme tell you. I have told Niles some things that I didn't even tell Jordan. And I trusted him, I almost cryed. I haven't cryed in the longest time. My throat goes dry and my eyes almost drop a tear. But I stop. I guess that I have no reason to be sad. I look around and see what I have. And I am glad and gratful for it. This is the only blog I have. And I like it. But this isn't all of me I guess. I posted the lyrics because I love the song and I just felt like hey, it should be posted somewhere, lol.
--Kayla
(EWW MATH!!!)

Friday, I'm in Love

2006-11-26T18:08:00.000-08:00

Friday I'm in Love
By the Cure:

I don't care if monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and wednesday too
Thursday i don't care about you
It's friday i'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...

I don't care if monday's black
Tuesday wednesday heart attack
Thursday never looking back
It's friday i'm in love

Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday wednesday stay in bed
Or thursday watch the walls instead
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...

Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's friday I'm in love

sigh

2006-11-19T20:55:00.000-08:00

Woa, I haven't written in almost a week. (Sorry Niles) I have this thing where I always push the enter button after I write a sentence. Too much messenger... I have this whole week off thanks to Thanksgiving. (Get it, thanks to Thanksgiving, omg funny.) I get to see my friend Jordan, sure, she is a prep but I think that it has to do somewhat with me not being there for her. I really want to meet her new and second boyfriend. (Which is amazing seeing how pretty and wild she is.) So, I am planning to have her over and she wants to see a movie. Which sounds great to me. She also wants Niles to come... I don't know how that will go over, my mom will be fine with it, but not his, well at least I think. I dunno, surprise me. =) So after talking to Jordan for like an hour, I am tired. I am excited for break, but not really looking forward for two more months of a pregnant mother. Not fun I must say. I got to watch the making of the music video for Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! at the Disco. It was on Fuse and I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG because they are my favorite band, I call myself the screaming girl fan. Well, I am tired...
--Kayla

Everything

2006-11-13T19:45:00.000-08:00

Oh I have so much to say. I am so jumbled up.
I am confused;
What does love feel?
Am I feeling it, or am I just in puppy love.
I want it all to stop;
Stop the world.
Let me say what I want to say to him.
Let my emotions spill;
Let me cry.
Let me hurt.
Let me feel.
I want it to come out.
And it doesn't.
What happened to me know one knows, and I thought that I learned how to talk about things, but now I don't and I just lost. I fell, and now I have to get up. And I have you by my side this time. It isn't your fault. I feel so bad inside. I want it to go away. Just leave...
--Kayla

Swept Up

2006-11-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

Nothing seems to hit the ground when you are in the sky, when you can never come down. And when I do, oh what will I do? When there isn't any more me and you...
I am turning emo, I know.
I guess that everything is good. I am happy and hated and people are jealous of me, and my friends are turning into people I don't know... But I am okay. I found out who Mel's love is. Cody... he is 'the man of my dreams' as Mel says. Another day on messenger she put, I am in love, but does he love me too? 12 year olds sometimes (I am so much mature, being a 13 year old and all...), I don't even talk that way about Niles. Which is right ot is it wrong? I don't think that you can love someone after dating them for a week. I hope that he sweeps me off my feet. I have nothing to lose, I guess, I am jumbled up inside. I feel bad for how I treat people. Mmm, so nothing is new, nothing at all... and I am not being sarcastic.

Whew

2006-11-09T17:10:00.003-08:00

I have so many things to say. Okay so yesterday, I was as mad as heck. I wanted to cry, and stomp around. (So mature, I know) I talked to Niles, and he just said that I needed alone time. So I sat in my room and did nothing. It worked, who knew that guys were smart? I love you Niles tee hee. Panic! did a cover of Maneater, check-check-check it out. (Over in my links) Like the new blog page? I know it pwns beyond your belief. Anyways I have had some things to say. My cheek is numb from having to get a filling about an hour ago. I couldn't go on the field trip today either, seeing as my app. was @ oh 3:30. Totally sucked. That would be 2 of the 3 field trips this year that I have missed. Tomorrow I am going over to Taylor's and we are going to walk to Safeway and get Ice-Cream. Then we will watch chick flicks. Yay.
--Kayla

Hokey pokey, no one cared...

2006-11-08T21:27:00.000-08:00

I thought that the world was great. Everything is always so perfect. You get everything that you want, and you are happy. Love and joy, life has them. But everytime that I find either, I just fall. Right back to where I was. I haven't updated for a little so lemme fill you in.

A new girl named Coral came into our class. (bricks are smarter than her)
Julian is in love with Coral
Lots of people are mad at me because I am dating Niles
Bekah confessed her love to Niles
Niles is debating on whether or not to hold my hand. (8-)

So yea, lots going on. And for some reason, Julian just thinks that I hate Coral and am jealous of her. Yea I want to be just like her, big boobs, pretty face, no brain. I can see why everyone is just dying to be her. It made me mad when he said that. I am not jealous of her. And it is just like what happened before with Niles, "You disapprove of who I like don't you?" Why does everyone care so much, it is my opinion, not yours everyone needs to worry about themselves. Sometimes I just wish that the world was a lot smarter. Today, she at silent reading I was sitting next to Niles and Coral was next to him. She kept scooting closer and closer to Niles. It bothered me, but I trust Niles, I know that he is loyal and even if he doesn't shove her away, he keeps his distance. And having to deal with Coral is just one small step into the real world... High School is sure to be a rude awakening.

--Kayla

Whateva

2006-11-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

Well, this is a little weird, I don't have anything to write about. Hmm, let's start with Friday. I came home and my little sister was sick. =o I know *le gasp* anyways, me and my mom went out to lunch. Then I went to Mel's and we sat there just laughing at her cat. He looks like a bulldog. o.o Later at like 6:00 Nikki had her B-day party (Nikki is Mel's older sis). There was a scavenger hunt then we played musical sherades and DDR. Mhm that was fun. Then on Saturday we had to go baby shopping (my mom is a preggie; =ox5 billion). And then I went to Darci's after talking to Niles, Hannah, and Lacey and killing the phone battery. =) Yea and now today I am stuck in my house doing nothing, yay me. I told Niles that I would put my old posts up, but I don't think I will. >=)
--Kayla

(no subject specified) =)

2006-11-02T17:23:00.000-08:00

Holy crap! I am dating Niles nah nah, nah nah nah, and you can't have him. I know I am such a blonde/ screaming fan girl type. It was a sad day and now it is a happy day. Halloween pwned. I can't wait for next year when me and Ashley are going to be the 50's poodle skirt girls. It is so going to rock. I would update this blog and put my other posts on, but some people may read it. And that would be so mean. =( I am excited and sad and happy and yay. It is just awesome, I am going to be a screaming fan girl, the only thing I need to complete my awesome soap opera is tickets and a ride to the Panic! at the Disco concert. That would be absolutely perfect...
--Kayla

OoOhH

2006-10-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

Gah tired I am going to bed soon. Nothing really even happened today. Taylor got grounded from her computer like yesterday. And I won for Secretary. Umm school was okay I guess. It was like always, but we had to take notes on that one Sneetches movie. It was lame and we were all mad and stuff. The rest of the day was fun though. We started Speedball in gym =P. That is dumb. I always get hit in the head with flying soccer balls. There is still snow on the ground and people were trying to put it down random people's shirts and then I socked Micheal for trying to put it down mine. The world is spinning, so I guess everything is alright.
--Kayla

Ha

2006-10-30T18:23:00.000-08:00

Ha ha Grant I deleted it.

Snowday!

2006-10-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

Umm, snowday, yay! So no school and my 1st post on this blog. I am not Emo, I like the Nightmare before Christmas, Panic! at the Disco, Blink 182, The All American Rejects, purple, and my friends. I don't like kissups/ teacher's pets. So that is what I needed to get clear. Ummm, so yea I will post lata.