This isn't even close to Halloween, only in your dreams will it come close...

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I guess that I am not really confused or going through a rough time. I just like to say the things that I am not feeling in order to grab attention or better yet, sympathy. And I get mixed up in hurting people. Why Niles loves me, I have no idea. I can't even hold his hand or write something down without him feeling like it is his fault. And maybe I just should just shut up. And we do talk and I hate it when he says that we are going to end up like Sam and PK, because we aren't. I would never be that selfish, I need attention, but at the same time, I don't want it. I am confusing, and okay, he gets that I don't show my affection in the same ways as every one else, but still. What more con I do? I can't take this sometimes. We just don't talk and when we do, we don't talk about the right stuff. It is so hidden, and we just put it in our blogs. AND IT ISN"T HELPING!!!!! I can't gah!?!?! I am aso lost...
--Kayla

I guess that now would be a good time to post this. I wrote this about a month or so before me and Niles were going out, and I haven't really touched it. And after reading it, it seems funny, because the first part is how I was feeling, but the rest is more of a non-mine situation, but now this poem is semi true.

I wish the walk was longer, so that I could stand by him.
But it's not.
I wish I could tell him how I felt about him.
But I don't.
And I wish that he thought I was perfect for him.
But he doesn't.
And I wish I thought he was perfect for me.
But I don't.
He only wants her.
But I don't want him to want her.
And I don't think he wants me.
But I don't want him to want me.
And I don't want him to feel my pain.
But he does want to feel my pain.
And I don't want him to love me.
But he does love me.
And I think that I love him.
And I do.
And what could be wrong with that.
Nothing.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

I feel like urrrgh. I hate confusing people when I don't mean to. I hate the fact that I rebel, that I lie, that I feel the urge to do something and I don't do it. I just want to be someone else for a little. Not that I don't like the state that I am in, it is just that I wish that I could know things without hurting people, and I dunno... I know that everything will work out. And this isn't even how I feel. Because I am fine. Niles thinks that I am like 'eww get away from me' but nothing seems right. There is no timing that fits to hold his hand or to hug him. And when you try so hard, it just doesn't seem to come. And I have no idea what my sudden urges to pull away or to touch someone or say a word is. It just comes and he doesn't get it I think. I have different ways of showing affection, and that is me. I am akward and unpredictable. Which I hate sometimes, but love at others. And I want to stop writing but I can't Niles blog almost made me cry, and I don't think that it was out of sadness, or anger, or happiness. I just wanted to. I haven't cryed in so long. No song makes me cry, but some make me want but I guess that I am just not sensitive enough, you have to cut deep into me to get me to cry. And those avatars and trophy are something that made me happy. It is so simple, something that I adore. Like a rose. And that is it. Would make me happy. And that is just the most weirdest thing.... but really I am like my mom. And I am making no sense.
--Kayla