This isn't even close to Halloween, only in your dreams will it come close...

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I guess that I am not really confused or going through a rough time. I just like to say the things that I am not feeling in order to grab attention or better yet, sympathy. And I get mixed up in hurting people. Why Niles loves me, I have no idea. I can't even hold his hand or write something down without him feeling like it is his fault. And maybe I just should just shut up. And we do talk and I hate it when he says that we are going to end up like Sam and PK, because we aren't. I would never be that selfish, I need attention, but at the same time, I don't want it. I am confusing, and okay, he gets that I don't show my affection in the same ways as every one else, but still. What more con I do? I can't take this sometimes. We just don't talk and when we do, we don't talk about the right stuff. It is so hidden, and we just put it in our blogs. AND IT ISN"T HELPING!!!!! I can't gah!?!?! I am aso lost...
--Kayla

I guess that now would be a good time to post this. I wrote this about a month or so before me and Niles were going out, and I haven't really touched it. And after reading it, it seems funny, because the first part is how I was feeling, but the rest is more of a non-mine situation, but now this poem is semi true.

I wish the walk was longer, so that I could stand by him.
But it's not.
I wish I could tell him how I felt about him.
But I don't.
And I wish that he thought I was perfect for him.
But he doesn't.
And I wish I thought he was perfect for me.
But I don't.
He only wants her.
But I don't want him to want her.
And I don't think he wants me.
But I don't want him to want me.
And I don't want him to feel my pain.
But he does want to feel my pain.
And I don't want him to love me.
But he does love me.
And I think that I love him.
And I do.
And what could be wrong with that.
Nothing.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

I feel like urrrgh. I hate confusing people when I don't mean to. I hate the fact that I rebel, that I lie, that I feel the urge to do something and I don't do it. I just want to be someone else for a little. Not that I don't like the state that I am in, it is just that I wish that I could know things without hurting people, and I dunno... I know that everything will work out. And this isn't even how I feel. Because I am fine. Niles thinks that I am like 'eww get away from me' but nothing seems right. There is no timing that fits to hold his hand or to hug him. And when you try so hard, it just doesn't seem to come. And I have no idea what my sudden urges to pull away or to touch someone or say a word is. It just comes and he doesn't get it I think. I have different ways of showing affection, and that is me. I am akward and unpredictable. Which I hate sometimes, but love at others. And I want to stop writing but I can't Niles blog almost made me cry, and I don't think that it was out of sadness, or anger, or happiness. I just wanted to. I haven't cryed in so long. No song makes me cry, but some make me want but I guess that I am just not sensitive enough, you have to cut deep into me to get me to cry. And those avatars and trophy are something that made me happy. It is so simple, something that I adore. Like a rose. And that is it. Would make me happy. And that is just the most weirdest thing.... but really I am like my mom. And I am making no sense.
--Kayla

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Yipededoo, I am so tired. I wonder why... Yea, I hate being a girl sometimes. And we had to go to the mall too. Grr. Non excing shopping and having to get stuff that is not very umm, yea. Just not going to say it. I have gotten back to listening to No Doubt and Gwen Stefani. Which is semi sad. For me at least, I thought I wouldn't go back into that phase. So sad. I have math to do. Lemme tell you. I have told Niles some things that I didn't even tell Jordan. And I trusted him, I almost cryed. I haven't cryed in the longest time. My throat goes dry and my eyes almost drop a tear. But I stop. I guess that I have no reason to be sad. I look around and see what I have. And I am glad and gratful for it. This is the only blog I have. And I like it. But this isn't all of me I guess. I posted the lyrics because I love the song and I just felt like hey, it should be posted somewhere, lol.
--Kayla
(EWW MATH!!!)

Friday I'm in Love
By the Cure:

I don't care if monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and wednesday too
Thursday i don't care about you
It's friday i'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...

I don't care if monday's black
Tuesday wednesday heart attack
Thursday never looking back
It's friday i'm in love

Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday wednesday stay in bed
Or thursday watch the walls instead
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...

Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's friday I'm in love

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Woa, I haven't written in almost a week. (Sorry Niles) I have this thing where I always push the enter button after I write a sentence. Too much messenger... I have this whole week off thanks to Thanksgiving. (Get it, thanks to Thanksgiving, omg funny.) I get to see my friend Jordan, sure, she is a prep but I think that it has to do somewhat with me not being there for her. I really want to meet her new and second boyfriend. (Which is amazing seeing how pretty and wild she is.) So, I am planning to have her over and she wants to see a movie. Which sounds great to me. She also wants Niles to come... I don't know how that will go over, my mom will be fine with it, but not his, well at least I think. I dunno, surprise me. =) So after talking to Jordan for like an hour, I am tired. I am excited for break, but not really looking forward for two more months of a pregnant mother. Not fun I must say. I got to watch the making of the music video for Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! at the Disco. It was on Fuse and I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG because they are my favorite band, I call myself the screaming girl fan. Well, I am tired...
--Kayla

Monday, November 13, 2006

Oh I have so much to say. I am so jumbled up.
I am confused;
What does love feel?
Am I feeling it, or am I just in puppy love.
I want it all to stop;
Stop the world.
Let me say what I want to say to him.
Let my emotions spill;
Let me cry.
Let me hurt.
Let me feel.
I want it to come out.
And it doesn't.
What happened to me know one knows, and I thought that I learned how to talk about things, but now I don't and I just lost. I fell, and now I have to get up. And I have you by my side this time. It isn't your fault. I feel so bad inside. I want it to go away. Just leave...
--Kayla

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Nothing seems to hit the ground when you are in the sky, when you can never come down. And when I do, oh what will I do? When there isn't any more me and you...
I am turning emo, I know.
I guess that everything is good. I am happy and hated and people are jealous of me, and my friends are turning into people I don't know... But I am okay. I found out who Mel's love is. Cody... he is 'the man of my dreams' as Mel says. Another day on messenger she put, I am in love, but does he love me too? 12 year olds sometimes (I am so much mature, being a 13 year old and all...), I don't even talk that way about Niles. Which is right ot is it wrong? I don't think that you can love someone after dating them for a week. I hope that he sweeps me off my feet. I have nothing to lose, I guess, I am jumbled up inside. I feel bad for how I treat people. Mmm, so nothing is new, nothing at all... and I am not being sarcastic.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I have so many things to say. Okay so yesterday, I was as mad as heck. I wanted to cry, and stomp around. (So mature, I know) I talked to Niles, and he just said that I needed alone time. So I sat in my room and did nothing. It worked, who knew that guys were smart? I love you Niles tee hee. Panic! did a cover of Maneater, check-check-check it out. (Over in my links) Like the new blog page? I know it pwns beyond your belief. Anyways I have had some things to say. My cheek is numb from having to get a filling about an hour ago. I couldn't go on the field trip today either, seeing as my app. was @ oh 3:30. Totally sucked. That would be 2 of the 3 field trips this year that I have missed. Tomorrow I am going over to Taylor's and we are going to walk to Safeway and get Ice-Cream. Then we will watch chick flicks. Yay.
--Kayla